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Forget the Obits Skip to the Memoriams | July 7, 2016

Sure I used to scan the obits every day when we had a newspaper that was delivered daily. I guess that dates me…I remember when we got the newspaper delivered twice a day, a time when we only had 3 channels on TV, when you had to go to the library if you wanted to research something. If my arms were a little shorter I would be reminiscent of a T Rex.

So, in this modern age you can get the obits on your smartphone but there seems to me to be something unseemly about the ability to “swipe right” to leave the obit almost like you do with a dating site. It’s just not the same on line.

If you do peruse the obituaries..a practice I know is common… one of the things you notice is that there seems to be times of year with more deaths than others. Especially around the holidays. I guess that speaks for itself but I still don’t understand it. Are some people holding on to having one more Easter with the family? I understand holding on for a grandson’s graduation or a niece’s wedding but when someone you love passes away on a major holiday it sets up immediate conflict in the cortex cerebral. You want to celebrate or at least observe the holiday for its sake and you want to give the departed their due as well…celebrate / mourn…celebrate / mourn…this is what I mean about the conflict. What I am saying here is that all other things being equal you should try to avoid keeling over on any major holiday or at any major family gathering. I’m not saying go quietly ….quite the opposite let’s go out celebrating but lets not share the memory of your passing with Passover. I think you, of all people deserve your own day. So yes I am saying that you should avoid dying during the Holidays. All of them. Still leaves plenty of other days. Obviously , most people don’t have any choice about when they die but a surprising number of people do. You know who you are.

When you read the obits in print form you can often see some people have lengthy columns and others have just a few lines. Does a longer column mean a more important life? How many inches will your column be? T.S. Elliot wrote in his poem, The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock that we have measured out our lives in coffee spoons.Do we measure out our deaths in inches of newspaper column? The obits reflect what a person accomplished in their life…what they did and when. What they don’t reflect are the emotions surrounding their life…for that you have to read past the obits to the memoriams. These are the remembrances posted by those who remain and remember the loved one usually at the anniversary of their birth or death. These can be positively gut wrenching. A good gut wrenching can be a positive and therapeutic thing. To experience strong emotion without having some direct involvement is the stuff of Greek Tragedies. Reading these memoriams can really help you remember what’s important in life. It seems disrespectful to use any actual quotes from the memoriams but suffice it to say these are heart and gut wrenching postings. And that’s precisely why I read them. I don’t read the obituaries and say to myself…I would like a long column about my accomplishments and achievements. I can be dispassionate about the deaths of strangers. I read the memoriams and say to myself I hope my life impacts others as deeply as these people have done! You can’t possibly read these postings…some of which use standard phrasing and many are very personalized…and not stop and think and feel. I find it a very powerful exercise. Thats right…I read the memoriams to help me stay mindful about the life I am living now .

Steven Covey the author of the bestseller “The seven habits of highly effective people” wrote that one habit of success was to begin with the end in mind. It’s difficult to accomplish anything if you don’t know what you want to achieve in the end. He recommended extending this idea not to a project but to your life as a whole. He recommends that one day a year you go to the cemetery and just sit and ponder. You will be in the grave eventually…what do you want to accomplish between now and then. Who do you want to have an impact on. What will you be remembered for and by whom? Instead of just going through the motions…stop and think about your life and where it’s heading…be mindful of your words and actions.

As a physician I write about this because I think an awareness of our mortality is a healthy thing and the memoriams are a daily poignant reminder of how our lives can impact others. I dare you to read a few memoriams and not feel something. Until next month…get well stay well.

Original Published in Table Hopping Night Life Magazine, July 2016.