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GIVE ME ALL YOUR LOVING | Feb 11, 2013

It’s February and one’s thoughts should turn to love…Valentine’s Day and all that. My thoughts turn to sandy beaches and bikinis but I have been married a long time…a very long time…at least it seems like a very long time. Hey, whose idea was it to suggest people should be in monogamous relationships that last until someone dies. Is that a reward or a punishment. Let me get back to you on that one. I will ask my wife. She knows the answer to everything or so I am told over and over. Do I sound testy? My wife says I get testy at times. If she really knew me, she would know why and how to prevent it, namely, more sex, more sex, while I’m still young enough to enjoy it! I don’t know how you 70 year old people do it. Between the wrinkles and the arthritis and worrying about the grandchildren, it’s hard to imagine what that must be like. Frankly, I don’t want to imagine it. The very thought makes the back of my eyeballs ache. I love my wife and she keeps herself in great shape and you can bounce a quarter off many parts of her body. Not that she’s given me the change but I have a good imagination. At 70 however, I’m going to need beer giggles, several tongue depressors and no doubt drugs still in development. Of course, it’s highly unlikely I will survive to 70 once someone reads this article to her. Don’t you be that one. I know you are dying to get me in trouble but it’s bad karma for you. Everyone who knows my wife knows that is the center of my universe but I wouldn’t mind orbiting around her a little more often. If you get my drift and I think you do sir!

In years past I have written at this time of year about how most women seem to lose their sex drive a decade after the wedding cake and men are forced to deal with their sex drives until the testosterone wears off, usually decades later. I would gladly give men advice on how to keep pleasing their women but I got nothing. Flowers, candies, doing the dishes… all old bromides for a bygone age. I’ve tried them all…the cards and candy left for her to find on her steering wheel, the romantic text messages, the spontaneous flowers. Good the first 10 times but them it’s ho-hum. I would stand naked in the doorway covered only in peanut butter and a few well-placed bits of dark chocolate but I wouldn’t be able to keep the dogs from licking me and that’s gross even for me and, with my luck, the door would be opened by one of my kids. So, clearly, I am drawing a complete blank in the pleasing the modern woman department. Go read Cosmo or something for that advice. On the other hand it’s easy to give women advice on men. On that subject I can speak with some degree of certainty. It’s easy. It’s simple. It’s inexpensive. It’s much more important than you know.

Keep the loving coming and maybe mix it up a little. That’s it. That’s all. Notice I said loving to try to fru fru it up for you but you know I mean sex. If you put as much effort into trying a little something new or different in the bedroom as you do in worrying about your next haircut, we men would be ecstatic, if you could put a little effort into your bedroom wardrobe like you do your work wardrobe, you would have my gratitude and the gratitude of the nation. It’s fine to fuss over a new casserole recipe but I have a little bedroom recipe I would like to work on with you. When I heard about these 50 shades of gray books, I thought that might light a little fire in the right places for my wife but all I got was a green shade of disgust when I brought it up. But then again can you blame her? Look at what she has to work with. Still this little ring on my finger means I am cut off from all other avenues of intimate pleasure. I am happy to be faithful but how about a little wow once in a while. Still, it’s not just me. Most of the women’s magazines in the checkout line have an article about how to spice up the love life… locations, outfits, time of day, toys, etc. Cary it up a little bit. Is that too much to ask for a man facing a life sentence? But may I suggest skip the sexting? I don’t see how that can be anything but trouble.

By mentioning adding a little variety, frequency and intensity to your intimacy I am covering ground covered previously and by others but good advice bears repeating. I know the women are all thinking what a sexist pig and the men are all thinking how do I leave this article around so she will read it, commend on what a chauvinist I am, and he can make her feel good by agreeing with her but then segue into “say whatever did happen to that fuzzy outfit I bought you last year?”

Leaving covered ground let’s switch it up with a little Valentines trivia to provoke conversation at the restaurant, the bar, the kitchen table.

Who was cupid? Who was Valentine?

Who is credited with selling the first mass produced Valentine’s day card?

Approximately how many marriages are performed each day in the USA?

Name two states that have towns/cities with the name Valentine?

Son of Venus goddess of love and beauty.

Roman clergyman executed for performing marriages in defiance of Emperor Claudius II who thought that marriage was bad for his soldiers… weakening their righting resolve.

Ester Howard of Massachusetts.

6,000

Texas and Nebraska

I understand laughter is the best medicine so let me close with a few bon motes.

Did you hear that having sex burns as much calories as running 8 miles? What I want to know is who can run 8 miles in 45 seconds!!

I liked these two from Playboy.

A woman and her boyfriend were having an argument. The woman shouted at him, “Leave! Get out of his house.” Resigned, the boyfriend headed for the door. But the woman continued. “I hope you die a slow and painful death!” she yelled. He turned around and asked “So, now you want me to stay?”

And, finally, a man was unhappy with his wife’s emotional swings, so he bought her a mood ring to gauge her temperament. He found that when she was in a good mood, the ring glowed green and when she was in a bad mood it left a big red mark in the middle of his forehead!

I would close by saying next month we will deal with some real and serious medical topics but wait a minute, not just myself but experts have opined that sexual health is part of physical health and can be one gauge of a relationship. I’m sure Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil are both on record saying the exact same thing, perhaps not in the same way I do, but I’m sure they are doing their best.